The pizza that insists on being 'The Greatest Ever' and yells 'fake news' if you say otherwise.
INGREDIENSER
25 g cooked pasta – limp, yellowish, and out of control – just like Trump.
2 pasta spirals – twisted, just like Trump's opinions.
6-7 black olives – small, dark secrets that refuse to be buried.
2 tbsp Bolognese sauce – an Italian classic, but Trump would call it "The Best, The Most American Sauce Ever, Believe Me."
5 slices of cooked ham – also a classic, which Trump would probably call "The Most Patriotic, The Manliest Ham Ever – MAGA-Ham!"
¼ red bell pepper – eye-catching but lacking real strength or flavor – just like Trump.
½ ball of fresh mozzarella – looks fancy on the surface but melts under the slightest pressure.
A small handful of grated mozzarella – spreads all over the place, just like his insane tweets.
2 slices of red onion – makes you cry but never takes responsibility.
Tomato sauce – a thin layer trying to cover everything up.
Olive oil – wash your hands all you want – it still sticks.
Optional: 1 tbsp yellow/orange tomato sauce (or a cheap spray tan if you don’t have anything else).
FREMGANGSMÅDE
Step 1 – Preparing the Chaos
Make a classic pizza dough – or claim you’ve invented your own "Best, Most Incredible, Fantastic Dough."
See the dough recipe here – but only if you believe in experts.
See the classic tomato sauce recipe here – which, of course, should be called "Sauce of America."
Step 2 – Slice and Chop Your Way to a Huge, Huge Success (Believe Me!)
Cut the ham into an oval shape – slightly bloated, with two ears that don’t listen and a nose that only sniffs for validation. Use the trimmings for wrinkles radiating self-satisfaction.
Slice the olives into rings – round, small, and insisting they’re actually the biggest ever.
Cut the red pepper into a tie – sharp at the edges but lacking substance. Also, carve a red pepper mouth – constantly dissatisfied, always open, but never listening.
Slice thin strips of olives and a piece of fresh mozzarella to form a smile that promises much but hides the truth.
Cut two triangles of fresh mozzarella for the shirt collar – sharp in shape but soft when the pressure rises.
Cook the pasta to perfect limpness so it can be shaped into hair that stays in place no matter what reality says.
Slice two rings of red onion – ensuring tears, even for those who refuse to show weakness.
Step 3 – Laying the Foundation of Illusion
Shape the pizza by hand until it has a diameter of 30-33 cm – or even bigger if you want to brag about size (see how here, if you believe in fake news!).
Spread the tomato sauce evenly across the base so it covers everything, just like a well-placed spin.
Generously distribute grated and fresh mozzarella so it spreads unevenly, creating the illusion of balance, but melts away as soon as the heat rises.
Drizzle some olive oil over the pizza – and later deny you ever did.
Step 4 – Baking the Illusion
Bake the pizza in a hot oven until the base seems strong enough to hold the many contradictions.
See baking method here – but remember, your method is obviously better than everyone else's.
Step 5 – The Final (Catastrophic) Touch
Place the ham face in the middle of the pizza, ensuring it looks like it’s trying to convince you of something.
Arrange the ends of two olives on separate red onion slices as eyes that stare unblinkingly at you.
Set the red pepper tie in place and imagine it actually matters – just like Trump would.
Lay out olive slices to form a suit that even JD Vance would be proud of.
Position the mozzarella shirt collar so it looks like the pizza is trying to appear professional.
Decorate with pasta hair and eyebrows – the more chaotic and random, the better.
Make the mouth from red pepper, mozzarella, and thin strips of black olives so it always appears open but never says anything true.
Let two blobs of Bolognese sauce drip from the mouth like an uncontrolled stream of words, filled with what they resemble – pure bullshit.
Finish with a thin layer of yellow/orange tomato sauce over the pasta hair, giving it the classic Trump glow – like a spray tan that doesn’t know its limits.
Step 6 – Serve with a Dubious Smile
Admire your creation – or deny that it looks the way it does.
Take a bite and notice how the illusion falls apart the moment you sink your teeth into it.
Serve immediately, but expect someone to try and send it back.
Bon appétit – and be careful what you swallow.
